Sheriff Orrick was treated for injuries sustained by flying solidified henfruit, or your American chicken eggs, which popped out of the jug at just under the speed of sound every time the fan blades whirled around.

The loggers were revived by the smell of beer and the bull was subdued when he ran head first into the jukebox and had to listen to the Norwegian national anthem four times in a row.

(more on this story)

The secret to accurate weather forcasts is a window in the television studio. -- Plato Hamburger

Dufur -- Cordwainer Heliotrope is a veteran of foreign wars, having once lived in Massachusetts.  He is now a sculptor from Dufur,  and has been asked by the non-political directors of the NE for the A  to create a Mt. Rushmore style monument to former Vice President Al Gore, who we understand faced the dangers of  Saigon’s maitre’ds during the Vietnam War.. 

Cordwainer  has come up with the idea of sticking a giant styrofoam tree stump in the caldera, or volcanic cone, of Mt. St. Helens.  It will be the largest lightweight object in history, and will be worth about ten dollars.  Critics say it isn’t likely to make it to 2004.

All Norwegian words, when translated into English, mean "rotten fish." --  Dementia Praecox

Peg's Bottom -- Mahandapranda Chrome-veranda Bhutavinya-daputna, of Rt. 2 Peg’s Bottom, formerly known as Joe Smutz until he became a hindu fakir during therapy designed to overcome his fear of snakes, has just returned from the Himalayas wearing a yellow dress.   Nobody has the faintest idea why, and everybody is afraid to ask for fear that he may have a logical reason for doing it.. 
 

Newly Discovered Slug Named After ACLU Attorney

Salem, OR -- Because of the constant rain, Oregon is the slug capital of the world.  The Fish and Game folks have named a newly discovered slug after Barry Lynn because it only slimes to the left.

Mr. Lynn, who is also a licensed pastor with the socialist National Council of Churches, is the head of an organization dedicated to the banning of the use of the word "God" within five miles of any public place.

Twisp -- Porfirio Rubirosa-Claxton, of Rt. 2, Twisp has come up with a brand new use for sheep. 
It's called wool, and may be used to make shirts and uncomfortable military underwear.

February 19, 2001
Woman Good For One Knight

Coldconked-on-Thames -- A woman in England  put on a suit of armor,  climbed into a catapult  and had herself shot at a castle.  She bounced off what is called the parapet, then fell in the moat.  They got her out before she drowned but she is permanently rusted inside that suit, and now dates only machinery.

The lowest point of the American Revolutionary War was when the Democrats demanded that all the weapons of George Washington's Army of the Potomac have trigger locks installed on them -- Plato Hamburger

Peg's Bottom -- Aristotle O. Gnossis, now of Rt. 3 Peg’s Bottom, was a janitor at a Greek nuclear power plant until he swept out the reactor core by mistake,.  Yet each dark moment contains a little light, as Peg's Bottom residents learned during the recent blackout.

Mr. Gnossis climbed a street lamp pole next to the City Hall and lit the entire length of Main St. just by being there.