Inspecting the alleged crime scene, Mason discovered tire tracks leading from the barn to the road. They were, he said, much deeper for the rear tires than for the front.
   "That vehicle had something heavy in the back," he said.
   "How can you tell?" asked Clyde.  "There are only two tracks, like any car would make.  All four tires made them."

   "You will observe that there are seven grooves in each tread imprint," said Mason.  "Normal tires only have six grooves in them.  One of these grooves in each of the two tracks came from a rear tire."
   "But," said Clyde, "the extra groove could have been made by the front tires, couldn't it?"
   "Not if there was a bull in the back of the vehicle," said Mason.  "That much weight aft would have lifted the front tires off the ground."

   "So, how did he steer the car if the front wheels were off the ground?" asked Clyde.
   "Obviously, by holding his hand out the window to create wind drag that caused the vehicle's front end to swing in the desired direction."
   "In a driveway?  With a bull in the back?  You couldn't get a NASCAR race car with a bull in the back up to
five miles an hour in a fifty foot 
driveway."

   "He must have had a DC electric fan duct taped to the front left fender to provide the steering breeze," said Mason.
   Just then, the bull walked out of the feed storage building with a bag of calm manna stuck over his head.  Unable to see where he was going, he stepped on Attorney Mason who will be out of the hospital when his foot, which was mashed flat, heals.
   The strange tire tracks, it turned out, were from his own car, which is a military jeep he uses to go into four wheel drive and leave the pavement  when he is spotted by a former client who went to jail.

Snooseville -- On Wednesday last, while sampling some of the latest results from Clyde Foofaw's still in his root cellar, "Choctaw" Charlie Cyanaborgmeister in the dark, after about half a gallon, inadvertantly picked up a bottle of rutabaga and clam extract and chugalugged that, instead.

   Neighbors as far away as three miles heard the strange howling that began about then, and calls were made to the police, who came on the scene in time to see Charlie, holding a fly swatter in each hand, take off from the roof of the root cellar and circle a small stand of second growth fir trees.

   The officers called into the station to see if anybody had a video camera handy, figuring this might make ten grand at America's Funniest Videos, but before the officer with the camera arrived, Charlie was attacked by a Red Tailed Hawk whose nest he bumped into, and to get away he flew into his neighbor's dairy barn and crashed into a milking machine which damn near sucked him to death before they cut the power.

Five different parts of Charlie stick way out, now, but the doctors say eventually they'll go down.

       classified advertisement
Wanted: 51 Hudson Terraplane rubber clutch pedal cover felt inside liner holding screw washer grommet seat flange bracket spacer shim sleeve lock ring retainer collar.  Contact Clyde Foofaw 

2002
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This page is dedicated to Dave Bascom.