Oregon Magazine

Global Warming Proves Martians Drive SUV's

In an email from  <B.J.Peiser@ljmu.ac.uk> we at Oregon Magazine recently learned the following:

Simultaneous warming on Earth and Mars suggests that our planet's recent climate changes have a natural-and not a human-induced-cause, according to one scientist's controversial theory. Mars, too, appears to be enjoying more mild and balmy temperatures. In 2005 data from NASA's Mars Global Surveyor and Odyssey missions revealed that the carbon dioxide "ice caps" near Mars's south pole had been diminishing for three summers in a row. Habibullo Abdussamatov, head of the St. Petersburg's Pulkovo Astronomical Observatory in Russia, says the Mars data is evidence that the current global warming on Earth is being caused by changes in the sun. "The long-term increase in solar irradiance is heating both Earth and Mars," he said.
       --Kate Ravilious, National Geographic News, 28 February 2007

Clearly, Habibullo Abdussamatov is a fake name.  Everybody who has seen Sir David Lean's film, Dr. Zhivago, knows that there is no point to having astronomical observatories in Russia.  Everybody there wears odd fur hats which would fall off if they looked up.  It's always cloudy and  frigid there, too, so the description "russian astronomer," meaning a scientist without a hat to fall off, is an oxymoron.  No hat, and it's adios former comrade Roosky in that frozen land.  Ask Napoleon's troops about that.  Or Hitler's.  You never leave home without your hat and your mittens in that country.

Add the above to the fact that former VP, Al Gore, heats one of his five or six family homes (the one with eight bathrooms) with Tennessee Valley Authority electricity generated by coal-fired generators, and simple logic leads one to the inescapable fact that Martians drive SUV's.

Any idiot could see it.

Since Al Gore and fifteen hundred scientists who wish to remain nameless agree with Nancy Pelosi, Ted Kennedy and all American communists that the fact that we here on Earth are between ice ages is not relevant to the global warming question, and that any data suggesting solar influence on the planet's climate is right wing propaganda, one can only arrive at a single intellectual destination.

Since global warming on Earth is being caused by non-communist travel practices, and since Mars is in the same solar system as Earth, this means the causes of glacial melt on Mars must be the same as the causes of glacial melt on Earth.

And, since glacial melt on Earth is caused by driving vehicles with more horsepower than an Italian motor scooter, they must have SUV's on Mars.

Clearly, the people of Mars have been electing Republicans for some time, now, and as a result are facing total disaster, not to mention a shortage of government welfare checks.  No doubt residents of Venus are sneaking across the border to Mars each night, and taking jobs that citizens of Mars won't do.

It's all part of the same package, don't you see?  Until they come to their senses up there, and elect liberals, Mars is a done dude, planetary-wise. 


© 2007 Oregon Magazine